We need to stop being afraid of embracing our shyness. “Shy” is not a four-letter word.
“Little shy girl, hiding behind her hair, blowing bubbles of fear…”
This was a quote (or as much as I remember of it) from a poem I read when I was 12 years old in 6th grade. It was in a magazine of poems that I carried around with me everywhere for at least three weeks. I really wanted to memorize the poems in it and recite them to my friends.
But I loved this one in particular because I identified with it. I was shy, and I think that subconsciously I thought if I could recite it to my peers, then they would understand me. Instead, it was one more thing that made me weird.
When a child is shy, we think it’s cute and sweet, but it becomes damaging to our reputations and careers if we ever identify as shy after age 11.
“Shy” is not a dirty word, but we shy away from it when speaking about adults. Adults often don’t want to own their shyness or admit that they’re shy. Instead, they claim introversion because this has become more acceptable in society (though not always and only recently), and it has ties to shyness.
When being introverted started being cooler, I saw people everywhere say, “I’m not shy, I’m an introvert.” No one ever fessed up to being shy. As if having that as part of our personalities somehow meant we were weak, less than, or unworthy.
So, right now, I’m gonna say it…
I’m shy.
I’m also an introvert. INFJ - the Advocate - according to the Meyers Briggs assessment.
I’m also going to tell you that it’s okay to be shy. You don’t have to feel ashamed for being who you are. And you are not weak or less than or unworthy in any way, shape or form. You’re just shy. And that’s okay.
Maybe I’m talking to myself — to that damaged teenager that still lives inside me, whose mother always pushed to “Go outside! Make friends! Meet boys!” without her willingness to understand how painful it was for me. Or the adult me who is constantly told by society to network and meet people because I’ll “never get the job I want or be happy with life if I don’t have a few dozen (or hundred) friends.”
In fact, studies keep coming out saying as such, and adding the fact that if you don’t have a bunch of friends, you’ll die earlier than those that do.
Here’s what a study from PLOS Medicine says about social interaction: “Across 148 studies (308,849 participants), the random effects weighted average effect size indicated a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships.”
They even say that mortality rates for people who don’t have strong social ties compare to those who smoke 15 cigarettes a day.
As if I didn’t already have anxiety!
I’ve seen people actively deny being shy and get really defensive when called shy. Which is understandable. Nobody wants to be called something they’re not. But this usually comes with an extreme dislike for the word.
Just yesterday, in the comments section of a YouTube video, someone said this, “The word ‘shy’ drives me nuts. I resonate with the word ‘introspective.’”
I see this a lot too, “I’m not aloof, I’m an introvert.”
Actually, you might be shy.
Aloofness is when someone is actively not friendly. When they are purposefully rude and choose not to engage. Usually, this choice is based on a distaste for the people involved or the situation. Shy people and introverts can both be “aloof.” But they don’t do it intentionally. Most of the time, it’s a subconscious reaction to avoid a negative outcome.
Shy people avoid situations and people because they don’t want uncomfortable interactions. Thoughts and fears start to bubble to center stage and fight, flight, or freeze threatens to kick in. Standing on the other side of the road from a neighbor and waving hi can be incredibly uncomfortable because it might mean the start of a conversation. If you’re shy, your guard will go up the second you set foot outside your door, and you might not even realize it.
Here’s what being shy means, according to the American Psychological Association (APA):
“Shyness is the tendency to feel awkward, worried, or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions.”
Shy people get anxious about the possibility of rejection, and as a result, they avoid situations that might make them feel this way. Research on shyness suggests that for the shy person, it’s not so much about avoiding people as it is about avoiding the anxiety of potentially being negatively judged by others.
Therefore, shyness is not antisocial. It’s more akin to a social phobia — a fear of interacting with other people. This fear is activated by real, or in this case, perceived threats. Meaning, our lives are not actually in danger, but it often feels that way in our bodies and we react with either fear, anger, or helplessness.
**Not to be confused with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), which is a more intense kind of anxiety in which you may completely avoid potentially frightening situations. This could be so severe that it may cause irreparable damage to important things like family relationships, your career, or education due to not showing up because of fear.
I’m the type that blushes, freezes, shakes, and sweats uncontrollably. So I constantly have to prepare myself for interacting with people and hope that I don’t seize up, create sweat puddles, or turn bright red. But at the same time, I want to interact with people and make friends.
Sometimes people tell me that my shyness is endearing, attractive, or cute, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Sometimes this makes me feel better. Other times, though, I don’t think they fully understand that the physical and emotional struggle is real. This is especially true during occasions where I need to be professional or if my reputation is on the line and I need to make a good impression.
Contrarywise:
“Introversion is the orientation toward the internal private world of one’s self and one’s inner thoughts and feelings, rather than toward the outer world of people and things. Introversion is a broad personality trait and, like extraversion, exists on a continuum of attitudes and behaviors. Introverts are relatively more withdrawn, retiring, reserved, quiet, and deliberate; they may tend to mute or guard expression of positive affect, adopt more skeptical views or positions, and prefer to work independently.”
Introverts don’t necessarily fear social interactions. They simply prefer more solitary activities and often avoid large groups, preferring more intimate social interactions. Shy people often want to be more social but are inhibited by their fears of being judged, appearing weird or dumb, not being liked, etc.
BTW: One of my favorite compliments was from a very good friend who told me that I was the weirdest friend she had. #ownyourweirdness
At least half the American population identify as introverts, and according to Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D. in his article on APA, approximately 40 percent of Americans identify as being shy. 40 percent. That’s a lot of shy people.
If you do a quick search for shyness, you’ll get all kinds of ways to help you deal with it, focusing on anxiety. You’ll also notice all the articles that describe the strengths of shy and introverted people.
Strengths of shy and introverted people:
- Some people perceive it as beautiful. As I mentioned above, I’ve been told that it’s cute when I blush. I certainly don’t feel cute, but I too, can admit that there is a certain adorableness when others blush.
- Shy people are thinkers. We think before we act or make decisions, which makes us great at planning and setting goals.
- We have closer relationships. It may not be easy for us to make friends, but we have long-lasting, deep relationships when we do.
- We’re great listeners. This goes along with having close relationships. Plus, it makes us great leaders, or therapists, and for some, teachers.
- We are empathic. Some people call it sensitive but being empathic means that we can sense how others feel. We read the room. This can give us an advantage when tensions are starting to get heated, or if a friend is depressed but not telling anyone. We can sense that and let them know that we’re there for them.
- Shy people are observant. We may not be talking, but our minds are still hard at work, picking up on all the things that might go unnoticed by a non-shy person. This often goes hand in hand with being sensitive/empathic.
So, if you’re a shy person, please know that you’re not alone! You are among 40% of Americans who also identify as shy (and those are just the people who have admitted it). That’s a lot!
I also want you to know that You Are Amazing! Seriously. Going out there and living your fear every day is nothing to sneeze at. I commend you and your observant weirdness.
Be true to yourself and recognize these traits as strengths. Say to yourself, “I am strong, and I am Brave.”
And, as Tyrion Lannister says, “Wear it like armor.”
